Nobody sings on aeroplanes

Children squawk.

Some hop, run or jump for a length up and down the aisle.

Babies howl -some sleep.

Some passengers walk walk up and down, playing ‘dodge’ with attendants and fellow passengers. It seems many are looking to see who they know on the flight.

Some go to the toilet every five minutes.

Others hang in for as long as they can and crush toward bladder relief as the plane approaches its touch down rendezvous.

Those against windows get good views- often of clouds but are vulnerable when it comes to exiting to the aisle.

Everyone is hemmed in like warp and weft fabric stitches.

First class is first class and the rest of us are like battery hens in cages.

First class passengers are very special. The dozen or so of them get an attendant to themselves, can be first off the plane and have their very own toilet.

Attendants follow a timeline of provisioning governed by the length of the flight. The longer the flight, the more service interludes.

The inflight monitors are tiny and weenie and cannot be sen for glare.

iPads are invited and can be hung on a strap for passenger use- rather distorted when the guy in front elects to put his seat back, back!

The kid behind you delights in kicking the hell out of the back of YOUR seat. Call it in-cabin turbulence.

Those in aisle seats risk either left or right elbow contact with food and drinks trolleys and rubbish carts.

Legs stiffen and it is hard to retain a little movement and circulation. Numb bum sets in.

Children have yelling competitions, each trying to outdo the other and maximise crescendo effect.

Those from row 20 back (737 which seats 174) have more and more passengers passing them by (en route to the two rear toilets) the longer the flight goes.

It is apparent to ‘historical’ travellers that with the passing of years more and more seats have been crammed into less and less space. (A further complication is that they have become more ample and displaced more personal space than used to be the case.)

The longer the flight goes, the longer it seems it has yet to fly.

Occasionally there are VERY BRIEF lulls in the exposition of lungs and the toileting impulse of passengers – but they ARE brief and quickly resume in intensity and movement.

Very little communication ensues from the flight deck. Two minutes at the front and two minutes at the back end of flights. (No longer flight deck crew pointing out topographical features and human impact on the landscape beneath the flight path as once was the case.) [Maybe because more and more passengers are focussing on iPad movies, games on hand held devices and so on.]

Some read, some try but cannot because the magazine or paper will not fit into the space between seat occupied and seat back in front of one’s nose.

Flights can be advanced by tail winds, slowed by headwinds and wound back by flight control requirements.

The aisles with passengers coming and going are SO narrow. They are like the roads across the north coast of Scotland, barely a car wide and with passing places that have to be negotiated by cars going in opposite directions. Excepting the aisles on planes do not have designated passing places.

‘Aisles alive’ swings into action when passengers embark and disembark. The jam at the end of the flight is like inner city traffic at home time.

A flight has to be at least three hours long to qualify as one where passengers spend more time in the air than they do on embarking (arriving for check in) and disembarking (departing the airport) at the end of their flight.

The ascent and descent of flights plays merry hell with ear pressures, particularly if younger passengers. You can but empathise with them and their parents as this discomfit, not understood by young flyers, becomes apparent to the ears of others.

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